I am close to – and very alert… on the event of finishing the last pages of “Spy in the house of love” by Anaïs Nin.

She’s just confronted the spy man, ready for exposure, for truth. Maybe. That’s what is cooking.  I just started to share this “oops anticipation-alertness” in a message to E. {who gave me the book} … so that he knows how this book shapes me, understands me, crystalizes my self-confidence and refreshed trust in the ‘epic’ that lies in shaky grounds, chaos, anchorlessness, magic. Also to express to him my appreciation for this gift. And reminder that I’m here and he’s indirectly part of it. And to let him know – did he realize what this book is gonna do to me?

Did he know? Did he do it on purpose?

Anyway I feed on magic. And I long for some let-go of illusion. At the same time I could consciously (wisely) stop this book now, cause that book has given me confirmation, validation of my journey (which can be anyway – and even more powerfully – be followed by the opposite of it, stability – that could also be an organic continuation of the “chaos-temporariness-magic surf” chapter dragging power instead of consequence from it.

So I need to be aware. Should I stop now and let the book do the magic working in me in completing what I’ve started and NOW it’s the momentum, peak, harvest, some leap? What kind of art act I want to do in the end of this chapter? I am not ready for stability before I turn this chaos into self-power and art!!!!

So focus. Feel. Patience. Intuition. And you will, cause you can. You have to. Courage.

One of the inability, stuckness is related to the contraction I’m also experiencing here now: how to share this, so it’s useful in a way it inspires others, potency? I cannot publish it unpolished, Polishing takes time I don’t wanna give it. Like with sexual-asexual post: that’s what I am mainly here for. Then I felt uninspired.

New places, contexts and people make me feel alive, but also frustrate me because “starting from scratch”. Single, short-time projects. I want a safe anticipation of and relaxation in longer journey. Spreading wings. Can somebody commit and hold me?

What and who do I want to commit to? Invest time and attention and passion to?

That’s it.

That’s what you need to figure our tonight, girl.

All the rest…you cut off.

It’s practical and “fits” (I’ve been wanting all to fit with time, and space and sequence and gaps).